Flash Fiction of Felipe Dimaculangan

All were now set. The food dishes for visitors were prepared on the table. The venue is fully covered by air of affection. He is even ready. He had togged his best dress for this special event. He knows that it was not easy to reunite all his loved ones.

People came up rushing and passed him already. He knows well most of them but the few faces seem vague in his mind now and names were forgotten. Travelling around, he still has someone to wait for.

Couple of hours passed, his eyes abruptly fixed on the three coming in. The woman is still beautiful as he expected, and much in the black dress she is wearing. He just wish that he is still the man she is with. Pityingly, he can never do it now nor rectify everything he had done.

He cannot help but just be contrite as the child, his son, with the woman and her new partner, slowly lays down the flowers they were bringing for him and starts to burst in tears.

“I am so sorry, son, for leaving you the rubbish heap of my errors. But then I am grateful for having you here. Here on my first and last occasion, my funeral.” His voice quavered but no one had heard him.


From Unknown to Mr. Writer: My Junior High Journey

Essay of Felipe Dimaculangan

The speaker was our class adviser. As he called my name, I trodden towards the center of an organized floor and thankfully received the paper attached on a brown envelope. I was in front of hundreds of people, bowed and in my walk across the wide gymnasium, people were applauding and smiles were on the faces of everyone. In my seat, my still eyes were focused on the paper I held. My name and signatures are printed on that completion certificate.

Felipe Dimaculangan is just a simple student when he entered high school. I am naturally silent, mouth is zipped but I assure, loquacious in mind. What I think about something remains in my mind unless someone urges me to tell. Not until I met writing, it brought change in me.

The junior high of my learning journey just got a rapid ride. It was like taking on a ship, cruise on the ups and downs of waves, and this has been the voyage of reality. My elementary diploma had been my ticket to this four-year trip; the waves had always been my challenges, and the sea acted as the swelling knowledge. For four years, Col. Lauro D. Dizon Memorial National High School had been my secondary home. I had been under care of its steadfast educators. And now, I finally left acquiring their love, enthusiasm in teaching, and ingeniousness.

Several hours passed, I stood after all the certificates were bestowed upon the completers. Presenting of honors was up and parents were starting to line themselves with their child. I searched for my mom and I found her aligned from my not-so-long-way-seat. If there was the person to be overwhelmed the most, it was she.

My name was called for the second time on this occasion and I again had gone to the center but now with my mother. It was an honor indeed that aside from being “With Honor,” among more than 800 students, I was also luckily one of the Top 15. The of course most important woman in my life this time, the one who wore medals on me, walked back to the bleacher where their designated seats were, and tears were about to fall.

Taking the first step on high school had nothing easy for me. It is still clear in my mind the first day of our class. Monday and a flag ceremony was about to start yet our classroom was closed and a few of us were there. Not having any of my classmates in elementary was not an issue since I never been so closed to someone. I was sitting on a bench until a charming lady approached us and I knew she was our adviser.

“Ang adhikaing kabataan ay paunlarin. Sa kabutihan ay hubugin… Col. Lauro Dizon Memorial National High School, pangalan mo’y itatanghal,” it was a good feeling the first time I heard this hymn during the morning ceremony. I was actually nervous by the new place, by the thousands of students at the oval ground, and by the fact of knowing no one that time. But the year of freshman ended up with acquainted friends, new laughs, and new way of study.

Schooling is congruent to expenses and that is the continuous and top problem of our family. I neither came from a wealthy one nor a family who can give all of my needs. Even of my regular school allowance, it was truly not enough as I also needed to photocopy lectures or pay the photocopied quiz assessment papers oftentimes. I am not actually complaining but with my 30 pesos allowance budgeted for 10 pesos fare in the morning and I walk home after school, 15 pesos burger for example that was certainly not enough to fulfill a ravenous stomach from hours of studying, then for the remaining five pesos, it was intended to photocopies, project contributions, or to my piggybank whenever lucky. With the hiking price of products and further school expenses, the money I had could not put me in satiation.

Nevertheless, I know that I remain fortunate for what I have. Thirty pesos school allowance was not bad for a student who knows the essence of learning and it was in fact better than nothing. Each money I receive is my mother’s fruit of labor. Sending me to school is enough. Whether I had that 30 pesos in a school day or not, merely education has had utmost importance for years.

My mother and my younger brother give me strength. I have relatives who support my study. I am grateful that there is a teacher who has been known from her nickname “Ma’am Lala,” she purposely provides my school essentials yearly since elementary. It is really a great help for my mom because it lessen the weight on her shoulders. For me to admire the most is my single parent mom who sustain our primary needs. Living in a life like this makes me realize that the burden of the world is not for one person at all. The problem of an individual may be different from the problem of others. It may either be more pressing or simple yet ear-deafening. Problems vary.

Upon introduction for the guest speaker, the noise of crowd was put into halt, and silence aired the place but pleasure remained. We were drowned by achievements and recognitions of Mr. Nico. In his speech, we were entirely stacked in astonishment. He had been part of the campus editorial board, competed in quiz bees and poster-making, he sings, played basketball, and graduated cum laude in a well-known college of the city. As I was listening to his message, I was thrilled of how future will surprise me and my classmates as well. The prospects were battling in my mind of who I will be, how my life will be, and what great changes will there be.

My sophomore year was undoubtedly an “ordered behavior year.” Our adviser was not totally strict but she is like a disciplinarian, she is in fact holistic and systematic. This is the year when we had undergone practicing and so executing the learnt etiquette and proper behavior. I thank our adviser similarly our subject teachers for doing this since we were in a Special Science Class.

Mrs. Rebecca, our Filipino subject teacher, had once assigned us to create a four-stanza poem about Wikang Filipino. I did not assume that she would like my work more than I expected. Her praises and good insights inspired me to do more. I have to admit it, it was the first time someone noticed my writing like that. This is how Mr. Writer commenced.

Spelling bees and quiz bees were the contests I only participated before until I was involved for more written competitions. I started competing in essay, poem writing, and Division Schools Press Conference though I was just immediately pulled to fulfill the sick participant directly at the day of the contest. Yet with no any training on editorial writing, I tried. It was an unfortunate experience but it gave me ideas for more coming press conferences.

Third year went jovial, the total contradiction of the previous year. Our Ms. Adviser was a pleased, light-hearted, and tempered one. Through her handling, we became mature and caring for our classmates. But the joy was just a speck in the vast difficulty that we had in studying. Adding Research on the way, faces were fastened with bunches of papers, heads messed up by lectures, tired hands still continued computing arithmetic or finishing a thousand-word essay.

“Not all rainbows are colorful,” this is how my classmate Kate Celline had once described high school in her feature article, and I agree with it. My first impression about high school is mature, delightful, and exciting but it is rather more of responsibility, hardwork, and ventures. I never regret taking it for it shaped me into a better person.

It was on the tenth part of the program, Oath of Allegiance, when that peculiar feeling begun to embrace my heart. It was so ironic that I wistfully waited our Junior High School Completion Rite for months yet I felt sorrow on this special day. With my right hand raised, I could not hear anything only the oath led that we were repeating.

The program was a fast pace and we were now down to singing the hymn we grasped for four years. Absorbing Dizon High Hymn word by its word had always gladden our minds and our hearts until the last time we sang it. No word could explain what we felt that time because it was a mixed emotion.

Tenth grade was “the year of gags and craziness.” This year was probably the best. The final year for school agreements, reports, thesis, and paperwork. More meet-ups happened to either do a course requirement or to celebrate something triumphant like winning in the Division Science Congress and being an honor student. But behind those laughters and companionship was the longing we assumed as everybody would now stride their own paths.

The batch of 19 students are thankful for the shown kindness, teachings, and being considerate for our excuses. Four years likely happened in a single snap. The first time I entered this place we had called “home” is not yet slackened off my consciousness. And with just my last row of my paddle, I am up for a higher level and that is two years in senior high school. My voyage is not yet over and I still have a long way to go.

“Education is the way out of ignorance, the way out of darkness into glorious right,” from the 2007 Movie The Great Debaters. Dizon High School helped me finding the path of happiness by way of education. Dizon High School had taught me to find the light I am longing on this dark world. April 07, 2017 is a date to remember because it was when I left but I ought to come back with a name.

They say that high school life is the best and unforgettable of all, and I proved it. In high school, I found myself behind my strengths and weaknesses. I found out that writing is what I want and from that, a quotation was formed in my young mind:

“Only if I satisfactorily quench my spiritual thirst to be my highest self and if I have put all the ideas circling my thought into writing, I am ready to face death. For I know that when I lay in death, I have a legacy to leave that will be inculcated to the generations next to me.”


To My Junior High Classmates,

Howdy, classmates! I hope you do well. It was really not my plan to make a written composition about this but more than two months of missing your chit-chats and vile mockeries, it pushed me doing it.

I may not be the great part of your junior high journey but I know that I had contributed something meaningful even a pinch. For four years, undeniably, I was the student likely unseen because of my quietness. There were times you thought I was absent. Whether I was in class or not, your noises and laughs would remain the atmosphere. Why? Because generally, we were exuberantly joyful.

We were the class which had always been remarked for noise, messy classroom, and lofty excuses. Regarding that we were only 19, every classroom we accomodated often turned into whole turmoil. Despite our distinctive identification to a more serious Special Science Class, we have our unbroken fellowship and the character of facing each other’s problem together that we can be proud of. More importantly, we never forgot our duty of being SSC students. We never gave up on any academic competitions and in each fight, we did our best. After all, we carried the name of our school for good and tried to pull Dizon High up.

The world is now full of desolate men, slackening values, sweltering hate, and not enough love. I wish that none of you will be poisoned by the influential world we are into. Proceed working for your dreams bringing the goodness we learned from a high school we had once lived in.

Ten years from now, many changes will be there for sure. I may forget some of your names in a lifetime but the memories we had will remain. I hope you good for senior high school.

Thank you for everything! You guys gave directions as I wander to life.

A temporary fairwell for us all.

Sincerely Yours,
Mr. Writer

We Love Therefore We Serve

Essay of Felipe Dimaculangan

“The fruit of SILENCE is Prayer. The fruit of PRAYER is Faith. The fruit of FAITH is Love. THE FRUIT OF LOVE IS SERVICE. The fruit of SERVICE is Peace,” Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said.

Love—a four-letter word which the definition varies. A love that can either be between a mother to her child, a leader to his country, citizens to their nation, a love between two sexes, or the love to Heavenly God. Love is like a diamond, many facets and is precious. Vast, and a feeling that everyone experiences. But what true love is that, love serves.

In now’s time, relationship between couples is in trend, however, most relationships end to a break-up. So there is the “Hugot” thing that deals with teenagers. Common to all are misunderstandings and challenges. But the two are just some of the composition of love. An individual shall be prepared to hurt when he chooses love. At the same time, if he wanted the relationship to everlast, he shall be tough and shall understands. He serves his partner similarly as his partner serves him. Love serves.

Every month of August, Filipinos celebrate “Buwan ng Wika” showing their love and appreciation towards our native language Filipino. Likely as the citizens sing the national anthem during flag raising ceremony, love is undoubtly felt. They show their respect to nation and same to our beloved battalions, ready to serve our country against interferences. Love serves.

Most of the Filipinos work abroad to better sustain the needs of the family. Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs) work diligently in earning money, with the longing of love from their family. Living and working at long distances with the uncertainty of dangers. Another proof that love results to service.

In another case, bewildering election era heats up every six years. Fate of running politicians is in hand of the people. Typically, you can hear from their mouths the platforms they wanted for the country, but end up false promises. However, undeniably, there are still government officials who burn their eyebrows in dealing with problems the country is facing. Trying to leave a legacy on the end of their administration—a legacy of country’s prosperity and economic progression, not the common burden of degradation. Politician serves for his love on nation.

Lastly is the love of people to God, the most vital and everyone must be interested to. “God is love,” a bible verse said and so, God serves us through forgiving our sins even we never deserve forgiveness. He lends his hands for our supplications. God loves us, and He serves us. In the other way around, we similarly love God, and we serve Him.

With the abovementioned examples, we can prove Mother Teresa’s statement. We serve because we love it. Nobody will certainly serve someone if it is not on his interest, kiddo. Scrutinize the place we are into, this wide-array Earth, you probably conclude, “Love really makes the world go round.”

Our Mother Earth’s Admonition

Poem of Felipe Dimaculangan

The wind is whispering

Through my ears I can hear it says something

Something that inspires me to fight

The beauty of nature which has also its own right.


Can’t you see globally, the palpable distress we mankind continue to bring?

Turn around, there’s the disposed wastes improperly and illegal logging

A fiasco! Fiasco! We humans have failed

To take good care the God-given nature everyone must prevail.


Friend, the trees are dancing,

And butterflies are gracefully roving

Look at the birds, they are merrily singing

Are you not happy, for these you shall meet in the wake from morning?


Oh, can’t you sense our aesthetic paradise,

Smiling and we dazzle under the radiance of sunshine?

Man, use your power to cherish our golden treasure

Never let our life and of next generations be mundane and futile.

Pulang Payong

Dagli ni Felipe Dimaculangan

Naaalala ko pa ang araw nang huli na akong nakauwi sa bahay dahil sa overtime matapos lang ang manuscript sa thesis. Hustle ang araw na iyon dahil bukod sa madilim ang buong paligid at delikado na sa pag-uwi, bumubuhos pa ang malakas na ulan.

Naaalala ko pa ang maganda mong tinig nang sinabi mong sa akin na ang pulang payong na iyo sanang bibilhin. Nag-iisa na iyon sa tindahang natatanging bukas ng mga oras na iyon. Tumanggi ako pero naawa ka sa akin dahil sa basang-basa kong hitsura mula sa pagsugod ko sa ulan makarating lang doon sa tindahan. Tutol kong nauna ka sa pagdampot sa payong na iyon kaya ikaw na dapat ang bumili. Pero nagpumilit ka, sinabi mong paano naman ako makauuwi lalo pa’t basa na ako ng ulan at baka magkasakit pa. Ani mo, para makasiguro kang makauuwi ako nang maayos, inihatid mo ako pauwi at ikaw pa ang sumagot sa pamasahe. Pinapapasok kita sa aming bahay pagkarating natin pero sagot mo, huwag na lang dahil malalim na ang gabi at huli ka na sa pag-uwi. Iniwan mo sa akin ang pulang payong na binili mo at sinabing gamitin ko ito para hindi na ako sumugod pa sa ulan at magkasakit lalo pa’t napansin mong masama na ang pakiramdam ko ng gabing iyon. Hindi pa natin kilala ang isa’t isa pero ito ang una nating pagkikita.

Naaalala ko pa nang dalaw-dalawin mo ako sa aming tahanan at nagdala ng mga prutas at pagkain hanggang sa gumaling ako. Napakaalaga mo noon at kita ko sa iyong mga mata na sa lubha ng nararamdaman ko ay sa lubha rin ng pag-aalala mo. Nakuha mo pang puntahan at kumustahin ako pagkatapos ng iyong klase sa paaralan sa kabila ng iyong pagod at mga takdang-gawain pa.

Naaalala ko pa nang lubos nating makilala ang isa’t isa. Hilig mong kantahan ako, at masaya tayong dalawa tuwing magkasama. Pero naputol ang saya nang iwan mo ako dahil sa lihim mong sakit na leukemia. Nag-iwan ka sa akin ng liham at humihingi ka ng tawad dahil sa hindi mo pagbanggit sa akin. Alam mong lubos lang akong malulungkot.

Subalit hindi na bale mahal, malapit na kitang makasama. Heto na ako, matanda at uugod-ugod na, at sa aking buhay, buong hinintay ang pagkakataong itong muli tayong magkita. Tulad ng pulang payong na iyong ibinigay, luma na at magabok at ngayo’y nanlulumbay.

Ang Kasalukuyang Kalagayan ng Pilipinong Pagkakakilanlan

Sanaysay ni Felipe Dimaculangan

Higit isang siglo na ang nakalilipas nang matagumpay na nakamit ng Pilipinas ang matagal na panahong inaasam na kasarinlan. Nakangangatngat sa puso ang libong mga nangamatay at ang kailangan pang pagdanak ng dugo upang mapagwagian ang mithiing ipinaglaban. Wala na ngang dayuhang sumasakop sa bansa ngunit sa bubot ko pang isipan, nahihinuha nitong patuloy pa ring nagdurusa ang ating bayan. “Ang kolonyal na kaisipan at hindi mapag-isang wika’t pagkatao,” ito ang nakapanlulumong katotohanan na bumabalot sa ating pagkakakilanlan.

Mahal kong mga mambabasa, palagi nating ipinangangalandakan ang pagiging malaya natin ngayon ngunit kung bibigyang kilatis, gaano ba natin ito pinahahalagahan at ang hapis ng ating nakaraan?

Malinaw na tuwing buwan ng Agosto lang maugong at nangunguna ang ating maka-Pilipinong damdamin. Bilang isa sa mga sumasabak sa mga kumpetisyong pampaaralan, hindi ko maikakaila ang husay at angking talino ng mga kapwa kong manunulat. Karaniwan sa larangan ng pagsulat ang paggamit ng talinhaga at ng mabubulaklak na pananalita. Ito ang paraan upang mapahanga ang inampalang babasa ng katha. Pagkilala at parangal ang katumbas nito kapag makukuha ng sulatin ang loob ng hurado. Subalit sa tulad kong tipikal na mag-aaral din lang, nasisiyasat kong hanggang sa pagsuka na lang ng kani-kaniyang panulat ang paanyayang pagpapayabong ng ating pagkatao at ng Wikang Filipino.

Hindi aasahang sa lalim ng pananalita ng kanilang sanaysay, tula, o sa anumang kumpetisyon sa pagsulat, isa rin sila sa karaniwang kabataan ngayong “Taglish” ang wikang ginagamit sa pakikipagtalastasan. Mayroon namang ilan na pinaiiksi ang mga salita, at ginagamit ang malaki at maliit na titik sa maling pagkakataon tuwing magpapadala ng text message at magpopost sa social networking site.

Sa larangan naman ng bigkasan, mabuting halimbawa ang balagtasan. Isa ito sa mga yaman ng sarili nating panitikan. Kaabang-abang ang patimpalak na ito sapagkat talaga namang pinaghahandaan. Katunayan, may mga pagkakataon pa ngang nakakapanindig-balahibo ang labanan nito dahil sa husay ng mga makata. Idagdag pa ang napakagandang piyesa na puno ng mapanghamong linya ng mga nagsisipagtunggali.

Bagaman nakapagpapataas ng damdaming makabayan, babalik silang muli sa pagiging ordinaryong kabataang hirati lamang sa mapanlinlang at kahali-halinang impluwensiya ng mundo at teknolohiya. Paghubad ng magagarang baro’t saya, hanggang muwestra at pagbato ng makabuluhang taludtod na lamang ang mga paksang kanilang inilatag.

Ano ang nangyayari lakandiwa, lakambini, mga mambibigkas matapos kayong salubungin ng mga palakpak, matapos ninyong iharap ang inyong panig, matapos itong suriin at pagpasyahan? Iyon bang nakikipagsabayan o marahil nangunguna pa sa ingay na likha ng mga mag-aaral tuwing uwian na waring nakikipagbalagtasan pa rin?

Bukod sa pagdiriwang ng Buwan ng Wika, aminin man o hindi, malinaw na konklusyon din para sa maraming kabataang Pilipino ngayon na malawak na pinag-uusapan at teknolohiyang salig na mga produkto ni Uncle Sam ang higit nilang kinahuhumalingan sa halip na mga tradisyonal at produkto ng kalikasang likha ng lipi ni Juan.

Lumalapit na rin ang loob ng maraming kabataan sa wikang Ingles. Unti-unting napapalitan ang kanilang magandang impresyon sa sariling panitikang hitik sa kulay at mga aral sa buhay ng paimbabaw na kasanayan at mataas na pagtingin sa banyaga.

Sa musika na may malaking bahagi rin sa ating pagkakakilanlan, sinong mag-aakalang matapos ang ilang taong kasikatan ng Original Pilipino Music (OPM) sa kamay ng ating mga maniningning na mang-aawit, tila pinagwaswasan ito ng mga kantang Ingles at ng umiinit ngayong KPop Music?

Sinong hindi magdadalang-poot sa mga gayong kabuktutan?

Marapat siguro na itanong ito, nakikilala pa ba ninyo ang tunay na Pilipino? Sa makabagong panahon, lubha ang lagitik ng lason ng kolonyalismo sa isip ng bawat mamamayan.

Ang pagmamahal sa bayan? Marahil hindi nga nauunawaan ng karamihan. Palasak na ang mga linyang tulad ng “pagmamahal, pagpapayabong, at pagpapayaman sa Wikang Filipino at sa ating kalinangan.” Mga giliw kong kababayan, pakatandaan nating walang silbi ang anumang hikayat na sa saltik lang ng dila magaling.

Isang sipi mula sa nobelang El Filibusterismo ni Jose Rizal ang nagsasabing, “Nagpapadala kayo sa maiinam na pangungusap. Isang kahangalan ang pagpapatayo ng Akademya ng Wikang Kastila. Nabubulag kayo sa maningning na kapangyarihang namamayagpag. Marapat pa nga kayong magpakasasa sa kagalakan sapagkat hindi tulad sa ibang maraming bansa, pinagkakaitan kayo ng pagkakataong aralin ang kanilang kustomiya. Ito ang bayan mong sinilangan. Ito ang nagbigay sa iyo ng buhay, ng pagkatuto, at ng kasaganaan.” Sa katulad na paraan, huwag nating isipin kailanman na ang hustong pagpapatangay sa malakas na impluwensiya ng globalisasyon ang tunay nating pag-usbong. Bagkus na hilahin tayo nito paitaas, tiyak na hahaltakin tayo nito paputik.

Gapos pa tayo ngayon ng kahangalan. Ni hindi tayo makalaya sa kaalipinan sapagkat mismong tayo ang nagpapasiil dito. Huwag nating hayaang magmaliw ang ganap na sariling atin. May kakayahan tayong umunlad sa sarili nating pamamaraan. Pakaisipin na kung magpapatuloy ang kasalukuyang daloy ng ating pagkakakilanlan sa mga susunod na lahi sa atin, ang sumbat, “sino na nga ba tayo?” Ang ating kultura, tradisyon, wika, at mga produkto ang bumubuo sa tanikalang siyang nagbibigkis sa ating pagka-Pilipino!

Pace of Doom

Science and Technology article of Felipe Dimaculangan written on Friday, September 02, 2016.

Imagine you are in a grim nightmare. Isolated on a dark street, your body shivers from a cold dull night. Examine the reality of place you are into, turn around and you see the dumped household wastes beneath a lamppost, several cars parked at home garages, drainages limped with toxins, flies, bees, and mosquitoes joyfully wafting to places, and the stank air you continuously breathe in. Inhale the dirt of yourself, it is lethal and you probably die. Wait for the sunshine and you see its striking strobes slaying your once silk-like skin. Will you stay on the grim nightmare, or face the threatening repulsive streaks of light in the morning?

Climate change has had caused various phenomena of burden: abnormal rise of heat, increase in sea levels, maladies and deaths, and destruction of the natural treasures. The last 15 months in a row have set records globally for heat, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. And inclination of hottest year rose to the society, a record broken in 2010, 2014, and 2015.

2005 and the proceeding years recorded to be the hottest years which are 1.8 degrees warmer than a century ago. As a result, Arctic Sea ice was reported to account low amounts of water.

Extreme weather results to deadly heat waves, droughts, and flood-inducing downpours. Moreover, hot water already killed corals so fishes are affected. The extremity also caused the Syrian drought and civil war that resulted into crisis of refugees. Sea levels have risen a foot in the waters around New York city in the past century from the Superstorm Sandy.

“Allergies, asthma, heat deaths, diseases spread by ticks and mosquitoes, dirtier air, and more contaminated water and food worse the situation,” a federal report said on April.

Burning fossil fuels contributing to global warming is sad to know that it is legally approved for financials. World’s average income will shrivel 23 percent by 2100 if carbon dioxide pollution continues at the current pace, as to a 2015 study out of Stanford and the University of California Berkeley.

Obama likely adds to the burden as he will impose 1, 000 power plant projects that cost $ 8 billion a year. Huge things can be done about air pollution, and we took steps that reduce ozone depletion and acid rain, as to Ronald Reagan and George H. W. Bush.

“Abrupt, unpredictable, and potentially irreversible changes with highly damaging impacts,” world’s largest general scientific society warns.

You are actually in a horrid fascination of reality. Owing through technology, humanity thrives for a tranquil life. Did you already picture in your mind that if you burn your trash, for example, would also burn you by the freaking rays of Helios at the end? Come to think a world now in plain blue because greens have been drowned by waters. Anyone cannot resist to inclusion. Have your playful minds ever envisage the morning you wake up is also the moment you die from an oven-like room? Aircon ventilations cannot certainly help you but just feel pity watching you gasping the man-made pace of doom!